Re-naming and Necessity
A blog-entry formerly known as: The Beaver's Second Lesson
[Somewhere in Metropolis, a
roving reporter bumps into a big furry guy with buck teeth, who poses
for photos and offers the chance of an exclusive interview.]
Beaver: Hey, reporter, I'm
famous, wanna take some photos? Or perhaps an exclusive interview?
Clark Kent:
Well, I would like to ask you what your reaction was to news of
the replacement
of the name "Beaver College" with "Arcadia University?"
Beaver: I have an incredibly
busy schedule, putting in cute but industrious appearances at fund
raisers and sports events all over the continent. So the fact that
Beaver College has been renamed just means I get a little more time on
my paws.
Clark Kent: Nonsense!
Beaver [aghast]: What do you
mean nonsense? I am so busy you wouldn't believe it. I'll have you know
that I am the mascot at
Babson College and
MIT
in Mass.,
Bemidji State
University in Minnesota,
Bluffton College in Ohio,
Buena Vista University in Iowa,
California Institute of Technology (a role in which I gained a lot of
publicity, as part of
the greatest
college prank ever) and the nearby
Los
Angeles Trade-Technical College,
Champlain College in Vermont,
The City College of New York,
Minot State University in North Dakota,
Oregon State University, and the
University
of Maine at Farmington,
as well as being the symbol of New York District, and of course, Canada
(I even did the olympics there back in `76). And let's not forget my
trans-Atlantic engagements - I'm also the mascot at the
London School of Economics. I can
tell you, I earn a lot of air miles. Plus some of those double beaver
matchups, like the CalTech-MIT games that
people like to
talk about, are truly exhausting - all done with mirrors. The fact
that Beaver College has changed its name...
Clark Kent: Bah! You
idiot!
Beaver: Say, you look
familiar. Didn't we meet at the CUNY game last week? I was the big
brown furry guy jumping up and down right in front of the home crowd.
Clark Kent: Well, apart from
my reporting job, I do have a little side position in the Graduate
Center at CUNY.
Beaver: I know you. You're no
mild mannered reporter. Let's see what's behind that shirt...
[Button popping rip, revealing a
giant K on Kent's chest.]
Beaver: Oh so you are Kent
after all. [Looks crestfallen.] Hey wait...
[Rips further, revealing the full
insignia: SK]
Beaver: [Gasps] You couldn't
be
[dramatic chords] Super Kripke!
Super Kripke: Au contraire - I
must be!
Beaver: Hey man, I'm a real
fan of your completeness stuff. And, well, frankly, the fact that
you're you changes everything. If you say that it's not the same me
who's at all the football games every week, then who am I to argue. You
are after all the master of identity. It must have all been one big
dream of mine.
[Pauses, in deep thought.] But, no, Super Kripke, this
time you're wrong.... you forgot about the air miles: I can't possibly
have imagined them!
Super Kripke: My dear furry
friend, the fact that I'm me is surely no surprise, and far be it from
me to argue with your well documented poly-iconicity. As you say, the
Beaver is the mascot of all those schools, you are the Beaver, ergo you
are at all the games: I see no contradiction there. No, I was simply
questioning your contention that Beaver College has been
renamed, which is nonsense.
Beaver: Huh? You said so
yourself.
Super Kripke: I most certainly
did not. There is no such college.
Beaver: Oh, I see. You mean
Beaver College no longer exists.
Super Kripke: Beaver College
has never existed!
Beaver: [Gasps.] You mean, the
name change is retroactive?
Super Kripke: Of course not.
The governors of the University are not so powerful as to be able to
change history. However, it is no longer appropriate to refer to
Arcadia University as "Beaver College". So while Beaver College has
never existed, Arcadia University, as the sign at its entrance
correctly and proudly proclaims, has been around for 150 years and
counting. You see, if its made of wood and has big black letters on it,
there's a good chance its a rigid designator.
[Super Kripke would gladly have
talked till next day,
But he felt that the lesson
must end,
And he wept with delight in
attempting to say
He considered the Beaver his
friend.
While the Beaver confessed, with
affectionate looks
More eloquent even than tears]
Beaver:
Once again,
I have learned in ten minutes far more than all books would have taught
me in seventy years. We have sorted out the puzzle of your
identity, and the puzzle of Arcadia's. But before we part I have a
puzzle for you. You may be you; indeed, I accept that you must be. But
I am not me.
Super Kripke: Impossible - let
us see who you really are!
[SK starts to rip open beaver suit,
revealing... another beaver suit.]
Inner Beaver: You see, I'm
just pretending to be me.
Super Kripke: Nonsense again! There must be someone in there doing the pretending.
Inner Beaver: You're very clever, young man, very clever.
But it's Beavers all the way down.
Posted by David Beaver at December 5, 2003 04:15 AM