October 12, 2006

And now a word from the Spam Analysis Division

It's been several months since the Spam Analysis Divison of Language Log has reported in (see here, here, and here). I don't know about the rest of the staff but my posts must be giving me away somehow. I don't know how this happened but the nice people who send me spams must really have my number. From reading my posts they seem to have discovered that:

  • I am sex starved,
  • I have puny equipment,
  • I desperately need a loan,
  • I can get a spiffy new ring tone,
  • I've won a lottery prize (several, in fact),
  • I could use a  good dose of ephedra,
  • I don't have the J.C. Penny credit card that will solve all my shopping needs,
  • I can get any type of college degree that I lack,
  • I should get out more and meet the local singles,
  • I need a new car,
  • I can learn how to be a hypnotist,
  • I can get a really scary Halloween costume,
  • I need a better mortgage,
  • I need an Elmo,
  • I can get cheaper health insurance,
  • I've won a trip to Las Vegas,
    • and, perhaps most interesting of all,
  • I ought to have my colon cleansed.

Somehow, I didn't realize that my life was so bereft of these wonderful things. They must have a staff of diligent readers poring over places like Language Log to figure this out. The upside, however, is that recently I haven't received any messages from all our needy African friends who want to launder large amounts of money in exchange for a hefty percentage of it all for myself. I guess this one got away from me.

If the spammers of the world are reading this, I'm only kidding, of course. But please don't send more. I'm not sex starved, I seldom use the telephone, my mortgage is just fine, I like my Toyota, I don't even know what an Elmo is, I hate Las Vegas, and I don't much like the notion of becoming a hypnotist. What's more, I have all the college degrees I can use and my recent surgery has left me with only half a colon, which has helped me, lo these many years, finally learn how to use a semicolon.

Posted by Roger Shuy at October 12, 2006 02:14 PM